I wish I didn’t over think things. I wish I wasn’t as fragile. Maybe I should have stayed on antidepressants. Maybe I wouldnt be so easily upset. Maybe I wouldn’t be worried or have feelings I don’t want to feel. Maybe I wouldnt worry about hurting people because of the way I feel.
I mean it’s okay to feel stuff, but why am I so worried about how my feelings affect other people? I mean does it change the way we feel? I’m so afraid that how I feel offended or hurt my friend, but at the same time I feel hurt. Even though what I think sometimes may not be true, I still feel hurt and sad regardless. Maybe what I want is reassurance what I feel isnt true.
I get hurt when someone implies I don’t care about them when I do, and even more so when they explicitly say it. I mean I spend every minute trying to keep them happy. I try to respond as fast as possible.
I feel scared when someone confuses me. I’ve always just been paranoid and I know that’s not normal. I really hope one day someone can try to cater to that disability. I mean that’s what it is, my frailness and paranoia is a disability. It makes life really hard to live for me. I think a part of it is that I hold everything inside and won’t say anything until it get’s really bad. I’m not assertive. I’m like Fluttershy, I’m extremely passive and get pushed around and when I try to be assertive I end up aggressive and angry. I know I have problems, but I don’t know how to fix it.
What’s sad about this situation isn’t that I’m not actually even obsessed. All my thoughts he does not consume. (+1 for MLP song reference? maybe) It’s not that he has someone else, not most of it at least. Maybe just 5%? I mean I actually am pretty happy he’s happy. It’s hard for me to admit that, but I really am. But on the other hand however, I am jealous that I don’t get all this public affection anymore, or a special title, and I’m just lumped in with friends now. I use to feel so special.
The second reason is I use to feel like I was resented. I was the reason everything went wrong or something. I felt unaccepted by everyone. I felt as if your friends hated me or thought I wasn’t good enough or something. I didn’t like being blamed for stuff either or being told I owed something.
I also felt regretful that I did things even without being asked just because I thought that if I didn’t you would be sad. I missed my junior semiformal, and this trend lasted and I even missed prom because I was too worried about you getting lonely. I feel bad I didn’t think of myself more and I keep picturing you going to prom with her and thinking of what I missed.
In the end all of this stuff was just building up and stuff. I’m really sorry if I did anything wrong. I know it was wrong of me to ever lash out and stuff. Sometimes I get really mad when I feel as if someone said something inconsiderate, I guess I got ingrained into Tumblr’s PC culture as well. Maybe I should check my privilege xD. I’m really sorry if I ever hurt you though. I never meant it as much as you never did. I hope you never did.
I get really scared sometimes too from your friends. A lot of your friends are misogynistic and I know you’re the best, but I get worried that one day they will rub off on you, or that you’ll do something to fit in more or something.
In the end I really care about you and want to be there for you. I want you to be happy. I know I made a lot of mistakes, some were letting my fears turn me crazy. I mean I wasn’t trying to act like your mother. Sometimes I asked where you were because I wanted to make small talk and just talk about what you did with your friends. Yea I get jealous when other girls are involved and you do so much to try to impress them. I know I shouldn’t get angry at you or offended when you hold one group higher and put every other group down. In some ways I do that too but instead with people. Well I dont group everyone else, just I hold some people higher, and other people I judge them badly.
I realize now I should have been so scared, that started everything. It started April 2011, or March. After major selection fair thing your sophomore year. I was so scared shitless of your mother, I was so scared of losing you I became overbearing and clingy. In the end I did lose you. The last fight we had together, I was kinda sad, because you kept saying you would teach me how to ride a bike when I get a bike when I keep seeing on TV when you teach someone you let them use your bike. I thought you didnt want to share your toy with me. I kinda realize now you probably didn’t think I felt that way, and thought I knew it was too big and thats why you never suggested it. I was foolish. I thought too much into things.
One of the last fights of the school year? I never meant you would ruin my life. I just wanted you to be more reassuring, not in a ‘dont worry it cant happen’ way, but a ‘dont worry I wont let it happen’ way. I’m not good at phrasing things so I guess you got the wrong idea of what I meant by dont be so serious and let me deal with it? I’m terrible at communication.
I really hope you get to read this, and I don’t know understand my reasoning more. You’re my best friend, I don’t want you to hate me or resent me. I don’t want you to think I’m some psycho bitch. I’ve been holding all this in for so long, and I just want to tell you and talk to you but I never had the balls to. I was afraid you would assume I was trying to blame you or guilt you or something. I should stop overthinking how other people might feel when somehow it ends up how I feel in that situation. It sucks since in normal non emotional situations, I actually am really good at anticipating other people’s reactions.
